I don’t think it’s controversial to say that the last year has been hard for a lot of people.
It’s November and I’m still trying to find a way to get through it with everything intact. I’ve had to keep telling myself that it’s never too late to start working on doing so in earnest. It’s come in fits and starts. Most of the things that have made me happy have been books and music and movies and tv shows. Walks in the park when I feel like doing so. Sitting by the lake downtown once or twice. Getting the energy to do a good workout.
Lately I’ve been trying to actively work on making my own joy–even when it’s the little things–, and also on trying to push myself–even in ways that may seem small. Wearing a cute outfit that makes me happy even when I’m not going anywhere, not just my rotating cycle of leggings and oversized sweaters. Dressing up for Halloween even though I had no plans (stay home kids) and doing a photoshoot in the park. Learning dance choreography just because I thought it would be fun. Posting a video of me doing said choreography on instagram even though it gave me major anxiety to do so (I can’t help but think I’m not good enough, or did terribly, or look silly. I thought about deleting it for hours afterwards. But I didn’t.)
And now, writing a blog post.
I have been told I should start a blog for years, but never did. Among other things, I didn’t think I had anything to say. I still don’t think I do, not really. It feels weird to say that, especially since I can usually talk anyone’s ear off and can give an opinion on anything and everything. I am a champion of thinking and overthinking. Maybe that overthinking is why I always felt like I wouldn’t know where to start. Would I need a theme? Would I hate it later if I felt married to a certain theme or structure? Did anything I wanted to say mean anything?
But sometimes you have to take your own moments of joy where you can find them, and share those moments. Maybe that will include me raving about how much I love the Netflix show Dark, which I’ve been watching the past few months. Maybe that will including rating the Hallmark movies I watch too much of every Christmas season. Maybe I’ll talk about space, or superheroes, or how much I miss dance classes. And maybe writing about any of this will mean being constantly worried that no one cares, or that I’m weird, or that I’m boring. And maybe that’s okay too. If I can’t push through feeling like that for a blog, how can I push myself outside of one? How can I make my own joy?
So hi, I’m Sabrina, and I’m probably going to stare at my screen for twenty minutes before I press publish. And that’s okay.