A tiny life update

I’ve really been slacking on posting lately. I genuinely wanted to have a posting schedule, and be more active, but have found myself COMPLETELY devoid of inspiration and dedication. I’m working on it, I really am. But for now, here’s a little look into what I’ve been up to.

First of all, I FINALLY WENT TO A THEATRE AGAIN. As a lover of movies, this counts as a life update for me. I haven’t been in a movie theatre since January 2020, when I went to watch Frozen 2 with my cousins. I had been planning a trip to the movies right when COVID hit, and cinemas have been closed here (for the most part) ever since. Theatres opened again under limited capacity a few weeks ago, and last weekend, I finally took the plunge and went to the nearby movie theatre to watch Black Widow.

I booked the tickets Saturday morning for that same afternoon. The theatre I went to has those massive plush armchair seats, with armrests and a foot stool, where you can adjust the angle of your seat. It felt like the perfect theatre to mark my return back to theatres. When you book the tickets, they automatically block out the seats beside you, so no one can sit directly next to you in the theatre. Masks were also required in the theatre at all points when not seated and if not eating. I kept mine on, choosing to forego snacks for safety reasons.

In the best of ways, watching a movie in the theatre again was an almost overwhelming experience. The draw of the massive screen, the moment where the lights go down before the movie starts, the sheer VOLUME of the music and the action. I got emotional at a trailer I had already seen. I got emotional at various parts throughout the movie. Partially, of course, because I found the movie itself emotionally affecting (quick review: I loved it, I’d die for Yelena Belova, fuck the patriarchy), but I couldn’t help but think that part of it was just the feeling of being in a movie theatre itself.

That’s not to say there were no negatives to the experience. It’s a bit awkward to wear a mask in the theatre, and there were some kids running around the theatre during the credits who were allowed to run amok wayyyy longer than they should have been. But none of that was enough to be a damper on the experience. I missed theatres, I’ve missed them the whole time, and they’ll never be obsolete to me.

Second, probably more major life update: I got a new job! I won’t go into details about what it is, but it will require me to move downtown–within only a few weeks. I’m being provided with a place to live and most amenities, but there’s still a lot to get done in that time period! On top of filling out the required forms and papers that always come with getting a new job, I’ve been making lists of things I’ll need to buy, doing some early research, reading reviews, and thinking about my budget. I’ll have to go through all of my clothes and see what I need to to bring (not an easy feat with the amount of clothes and shoes I own), what I need to buy more of, and what I can leave at home (close enough to get picked up on a free day if I really need it). I’ll have to figure out what luggage and bags I’ll be bringing, do some cleaning, pick up new toiletries. I also have yet to get a full list of requirements and scheduling and information from said new job, so I have to take that into account while doing all of this work and planning. It’s exciting to have a new job, but I almost feel like I won’t even truly take it in until I have all of this done.

I’m going to do my best to post more within all of the planning. Not for anyone else’s sake, but for my own.

Doing a Quiz, Part 3

I can never resist answering questions in quiz form apparently, so here is Part 3 of my friend Paul’s “Captains Quiz.” Here is a link to Part 2, which has a link to Part 1!

I haven’t won yet, but it’s the journey that’s important isn’t it?

THE 10 QUESTIONS

1. You and a stranger are stuck in an elevator for three hours. After how many minutes would you tell them your name?

Approximately ten minutes after it’s confirmed we are stuck in an elevator together, once we know it’s going to be a while. Might as well know the name of the person you’re stuck with.

2. You’re the first person to enter the movie theatre. Which seat do you choose and why?

In a row a few rows above the middle of the room, in a seat in the dead centre of the row if possible.

3. If you were to navigate a giant maze with one celebrity, who would it be and why do you think you’d work well together?

I’m going to say Jason Momoa because he seems nice and also he is large so if there was an emergency I know he could carry to me to safety.

4. Eggs can be cooked in many different ways. Pick one and build a meal around it. What is included in that meal?

Scrambling eggs and putting them in rice along with mushrooms, peas, baby corn, and some chicken, with teriyaki sauce on top!

5. Select the task you’d be able to complete the fastest and explain why:
A) Blow up (with your mouth) and tie 3 balloons
or
B) Pop 150 balloons with a thumbtack

Absolutely B. I have never, in my life, successfully blown up a balloon.

6. Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is a talk show hosted by Jerry Seinfeld. Using the same format for the title (Ex. Poodles on Patios Getting Crumbs), what would be the name of your talk show?

Dancers on Decks Getting Deep.

7. Arthur is an animated educational television series for children. What are 5 television shows you watched as a child?

Magic School Bus, Bill Nye The Science Guy, Popular Mechanics for Kids, Incredible Story Studios, Country Mouse and City Mouse.

8. Pillows provide support and help keep our upper body aligned during sleep. What is the strangest place you’ve ever fallen asleep? Tell the story, if there is one.

Honestly the weirdest place is probably just a plane, which isn’t even that weird. I find it really difficult to fall asleep anywhere that isn’t a bed, I often even struggle on couches. I remember flying overnight to England (as a grown adult) with my parents to visit my brother and falling asleep with my head on my dad’s shoulder and my legs on my mom’s lap. They were displeased.

9. “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” is a song by the band, Tears for Fears. If you could be in charge of anything, what would it be?

I was going to say the internet, but that seems like too much responsibility. Maybe just specifically what job I get and when.

10. Your closet is a portal to a new “location” (think: wardrobe to Narnia), where does it lead to? What do you see?

I think it would be fun to visit a magical fairytale fantasy land of some sort, as long as I could get back. I don’t have a specific one in mind (not Narnia, the time differential is too complicated) but maybe with fairies. And dragons from a safe distance.

BONUS QUESTION

1. Please enter the correct 6-digit passcode to successfully escape this quiz.

372273

Guess who’s double vaxxed

My original appointment date for my second vaccine was August 31. I was disappointed in how far away it was, but it was still closer than that of many other people I knew, so it was fine.

Luckily, my area recently allowed people to accelerate second vaccine appointments, and I was able to rebook my appointment for July 1. That’s a full two months earlier! It was the same location as the first vaccine, so I knew what to expect and was all set.

On the afternoon of July 1, I put on a cute top and my favourite pants–because I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to wear nice clothes in the past year–and was driven to the centre to get my second vaccine shot. It was very efficient. I felt like I flew threw the line. My first shot was Pfizer but the second was Moderna, and they asked me at every checkpoint if I was okay with this. I said I was. I had a nice chat with the nurse who did my shot while I got it done, waited the mandatory 15 minutes, got my sticker and receipt, posted some excited pictures to instagram, and headed home fully vaccinated.

My arm was pretty sore already, but I was mostly fine. I had no side effects after the first shot other than a day of a sore arm, so I didn’t anticipate any this time around. I thought I would just have to sleep on my right side for a night and otherwise it would be fine.

This was not the case.

About 2 am, my arm was so sore that I couldn’t sleep. I took some tylenol, brought up a bottle of water, and went back to bed. When I woke up properly several hours later, I had a massive headache and was shivering. It wasn’t a particularly chilly day, and I was under my duvet, but I was shivering. I went downstairs and had some water and some milk, already feeling a bit nauseous. I was still shivering, so I put on warmer clothes, dragged another blanket onto my bed, and then did the obvious: I texted my mom. She told me to check if I had a fever and to take another Tylenol and try and sleep. My temperature was 38.1, which is basically on the cusp of what’s considered a fever, so I decided to indeed take the tylenol.

Two minutes after I swallowed it, I was running to the bathroom where I threw up twice. Never a fun experience. Brushed my teeth, decided I was not going to risk trying to swallow another pill, and proceeded to bury myself under my blankets in the dark and try to nap.

After a while I dragged myself downstairs to continue drinking water and I managed to keep down a piece of bread, although still nauseous. I wrapped myself up in blankets on the couch and decided to watch some TV, needing a change of scenery from my bedroom. I watched one episode of the Netflix show Sweet Tooth, which I’m watching right now. I decided I needed something that required less focus once that was finished, so I watched two episodes of Bones on TV, a series that I’ve already seen in its entirety. For some reason I find watching a show about murder and forensic anthropology very relaxing.

The rest of the day was taken up by finally taking a tylenol, watching some youtube, napping further, and managing to keep down two oatmeal cookies. By the end of the day I still wasn’t feeling great, but it was an improvement compared to that morning. I had more energy, was no longer feverish, and could get to sleep soundly.

I felt much better this morning, although I still had a headache upon waking up. I suspect that was mostly to do with me not having eaten much yesterday (my body: “we need food to run!!” me: “well I gave some to you and you THREW IT OUT”). I had a small lunch and felt fine. I’m not shivering or feverish anymore, and my body feels a lot less sore overall.

Yes, I got the vaccine and felt sick and miserable the day afterwards. But it was ONE DAY of feeling sick and miserable. That’s nothing compared to what I could experience if I got COVID-19, or what a member of my family could experience if I got COVID-19. Getting vaccinated is important, it’s necessary, and it is absolutely worth a day of being sick in bed.

I don’t have any set plans for when the two weeks are up and I am considered fully vaccinated. My hair is ridiculously long right now, so I’ll be scheduling a trim. I’ll be waiting anxiously until movie theatres open here–I cannot express how excited I will be to watch a movie in theatres again. I want to see my friends, I’m already plotting out plans with one of them. I also desperately want to travel, but I’m not sure where and I’m not sure when I will feel 100% comfortable doing so. All I know is this feels like a step forward, and I’m so happy we are finally, slowly, getting there.

Friendship breakup rambles

I randomly thought about this last night, so I thought I would write about it.

For the most part, I’m not the type of person to have massive fights or end up on bad terms with people. I’ve lost touch with or drifted away from friends, which is normal in life, but not because we have fought or hurt each other. I’ve not spoken to friends for months or even years and then was able to pick right up where we left off, or at least have great conversations and have fun when we do speak or see each other again. We didn’t end up on bad terms and it’s usually not a sudden shift, and it’s always great to hear from each other again. It’s not that I’m not a dramatic person, I’m just not in this area of my life.

But there’s always an exception.

I’m going to keep the details private publicly, even though I know these people will never see this. That might make this kind of frustratingly vague and uninteresting, but I’m writing it anyway.

I was very close friends with someone for years, and virtually overnight, we were no longer friends. We had an exchange that happened over Facebook messaging, of all things, that came as kind of a surprise to me (and in hindsight, it shouldn’t have). It did not end well. I ended up feeling hurt and upset, they ended up feeling hurt and upset, and that was the last time we ever spoke.

We had a mutual friend, also one of my best friends at the time, who kind of glossed over the topic online. But when I spoke to her in person a few months later, she told me I should be the one to reach out to our other friend, even though I wasn’t the one who cut ties. I didn’t think it should have been me. After that day, we spoke normally for a while, but it got to a point where I felt like I was the only one maintaining effort to keep up the friendship or to initiate conversation. We haven’t spoken for a while now, and I can’t help but feel like she chose our other friend’s “side.” I think it wouldn’t be awkward if we bumped into each other randomly, and I hope she feels the same.

Looking back, I’m not going to say I was completely blameless. I think everyone involved–including our mutual friend–could have handled the situation better. I think we could have all been the adults we were and communicated better. It’s fascinating how communication can break down so easily, even between people who you consider your closest friends.

I have so many memories with these people. For the first friend, the one I actually fell out with, I can think of shows and movies we first watched together. I can remember classes we had together. I can remember parties and random hang-outs. I have so many memories from my early twenties tied to this person, to both people, and for a long time, they felt kind of bittersweet. Sometimes they still do.

Even though it’s been years now, I sometimes still think of reaching out. I can’t help it–there’s a part of me that yearns to be liked, that hates being on bad terms with anyone, that wants those memories to be less bittersweet. There’s even a small part of me that wonders if, years later, we could be friends again.

For some strange reason, I actually feel like it would be easier to reach out to the friend I originally fell out with than the mutual friend who ended up drifting away from me. Not logistically–they were notoriously not fond of social media and I suspect that haven’t changed–but emotionally. I almost feel like it would be easier to deal with that situation, where the fact we fell out was clear and where we had such a sudden break from friendship, than to deal with one where I worry I’m imagining things about picking sides and not trying.

Thinking about it now it all feels very dramatic and teenage but the feelings are still real. It still kind of hurts to think about. Friendship is weird. Fights are weird. Time is weird. Your 20’s are weird.

This post is weird.

There’s an imposter among us

First things first, I’m negative for COVID! Yay! As I said in my last post this is what I expected, but still happy to have the confirmation

Now for today’s topic–have you experienced imposter syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome is defined as “is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or interpret it as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.”

I have felt like this more and more lately, perhaps as a symptom of the pandemic and of job searching even before the pandemic. Job searching can be a very frustrating and disheartening experience. The more you get turned down, the more you think things like “I only got lucky with the jobs I do have or have had before” or “I’m not as good as this as I thought I was.”

I often have moments of identifying it as imposter syndrome, and then turning around and thinking “but what if I’m actually not competent, and I’m actually not good at this, and acknowledging this as imposter syndrome is misplaced confidence?” In job interviews and sometimes during jobs themselves, I’m often plagued with thoughts that I’m doing everything wrong. Sometimes I hesitate applying to jobs or even to volunteer for things in work situations because I worry in advance I won’t be good enough to do it (there are other reasons for hesitation as well, of course, but I can’t pretend this isn’t one of them.) Even as I write this, I’m pausing and thinking, “but what if I AM not good enough though.”

So what do I do about it?

This is so much easier to do when I experience a similar issue regarding health problems. If I have a day of wondering if I really have a migraine or this is just how everyone feels all the time, all it takes it me waking up the next morning clear headed to think “oh no, THIS is how it feels when you don’t have a migraine.” When my chronic stomach issues act up, I sometimes worry so much that people will think I’m making it up that I start wondering if I AM making it up…and then I’m in pain and it’s a reminder that no, I’m not making this up.

But how do you combat imposter syndrome?

Unable to come up with answers myself, I did what any self respecting person would do in 2021, and googled it. I found a list created by a woman who is an internationally recognized expert on imposter syndrome, and decided to go through it:

Break the silence:” I’m doing that right now.

Separate feelings from fact. There are times you’ll feel stupid. It happens to everyone from time to time. Realize that just because you may feel stupid, doesn’t mean you are:” I feel like this is easier said than done, in a way. I can acknowledge my feelings are irrational, but that doesn’t stop me feeling this way. Especially because I then turn around and think, well what if I AM wrong, or stupid?

Recognize when you should feel fraudulent…Instead of taking your self-doubt as a sign of your ineptness, recognize that it might be a normal response to being on the receiving end of social stereotypes about competence and intelligence:” I think this is common with women especially. There’s a joke I’ve heard about how we should hold ourselves with the confidence of a mediocre white man, and there’s some truth to that. Additionally, I haven’t shared a picture of myself here, but anyone who has seen me will tell you I look young for my age, and I sometimes worry that keeps people from taking me seriously, or I become unsure what people’s expectations for me are.

Accentuate the positive. The good news is being a perfectionist means you care deeply about the quality of your work. The key is to continue to strive for excellence when it matters most, but don’t persevere over routine tasks and forgive yourself when the inevitable mistake happens:” I’ve been trying very hard to work on this. When I write for work, I tell myself it’s a good thing that I take my time, and put work into it and edit over and over until I can say I’m happy with what I put out. And not to beat myself up the times I do make mistakes.

“Develop a healthy response to failure and mistake making:” This is a hard one, but as I have said before, I’m working on it. I just hate dedicating time to things when I feel like I didn’t do them well. This feeling multiplies when I’m applying for jobs, or even deciding what direction I should take work wise, because I don’t want to dedicate so much time and energy to something I may not succeed at, or something I don’t feel passionate about doing. I don’t want to make a mistake in choosing.

“Right the rules. If you’ve been operating under misguided rules like, “I should always know the answer,” or “Never ask for help” start asserting your rights. Recognize that you have just as much right as the next person to be wrong, have an off-day, or ask for assistance:” I have had jobs that basically make me feel guilty for asking for clarification or for help, so this is another I have to work on. I think the hard thing, with lists like this, is this is harder to achieve than it is to say. Should I be writing lists? Should I be convincing myself in the mirror?

Develop a new script. Become consciously aware of the conversation going on in your head when you’re in a situation that triggers your Impostor feelings. This is your internal script:” I might try and write out a chart for doing something like this. Just for me.

Visualize success. Do what professional athletes do. Spend time beforehand picturing yourself making a successful presentation or calmly posing your question in class. It sure beats picturing impending disaster and will help with performance-related stress:” As someone who has danced my whole life, I actually think this is the easiest step. It’s making it happen that’s the hard part!

Reward yourself. Break the cycle of continually seeking °© and then dismissing °© validation outside of yourself by learning to pat yourself on the back:” This is something I have been trying to do, especially with a lack of external validation due to COVID. I have to admit I always feel satisfied when I do get that validation though. The problem is, depending on that validation means that external criticism hits harder.

Fake it ‘til you make it. Now and then we all have to fly by the seat of our pants. Instead of considering “winging it” as proof of your ineptness, learn to do what many high achievers do and view it as a skill. The point of the worn-out phrase, fake it til you make it, still stands: Don’t wait until you feel confident to start putting yourself out there. Courage comes from taking risks. Change your behavior first and allow your confidence to build:” This is absolutely the most difficult part for me. I’m not really a risk taker. I don’t take risks. I’m more likely to take risks physically than I am in any other areas. I’m not very spontaneous, and even planned, calculated risks are very difficult for me. I constantly worry–what if that was the wrong choice? What if I can’t go back? And then: what if all this worrying means I have wasted too much time? And then it goes again.

If you made it this far, thanks. This was a lot of rambling and not a lot of answers or solutions, but sometimes it just feels good to get thoughts in your head down on a page.

I’m working on it.

A first…

I got a COVID-19 test for the first time today.

That’s right, April 2021, people my age are already getting vaccinated in many parts of the US, and meanwhile I’m getting my first COVID test.

I’m not sick and I’m not showing any symptoms, but I’ve been to a lot of doctors visits in the past few weeks, and I live in a hotspot, and I got a bit paranoid. So I made an appointment at the nearest testing centre and headed in today. It was very efficient, you can tell they’ve got it down to a science at this point.

I have no idea how people on movie sets or other jobs with frequent testing do that every single day. I felt like I could feel that swab in my brain. I was STILL feeling it when I got home. I can’t imagine doing that frequently, or even administering a test myself, the way I have seen some people do.

I think the test will most likely come back negative, I’ve been as safe as I possibly can be right now. But I don’t regret doing it. It was free and quick and even though I felt like an Egyptian mummy getting my brain pulled out through my nose, I would rather be safe than sorry.

I can’t wait until I finally get a vaccine. I can’t wait until enough of the country is vaccinated that we are all worrying much less. I can’t wait until cases go down, hopefully before that time. I can’t wait until I leave the house to do something other than doctor’s visits or COVID tests. I feel lucky that these tests even exist and are free, I feel lucky that so many people have worked so hard to create vaccines that I will be able to get within the next few months.

I think I’ll probably still wear my mask on public transit for a while, especially while crowded. Ironically enough, 2020 was the first year of my entire life that I didn’t have some sort of respiratory illness, and I’m hoping to keep that streak going, at least for a little while longer. But it will be nice when masks are less of a necessity everywhere you go.

I’ll have something more interesting to talk about next time, but today, I just wanted to commemorate this occasion. May it be the first and also the last.

Doing a Quiz: Part 2

The time has come again.

My friend Paul has posted the second iteration of the quiz he is hosting on his blog, and I am back and ready to participate. I did this before in January if you want to check out those answers. But otherwise, on to the questions.

THE 10 QUESTIONS

What is the best hiding spot in your current place of residence?

Oh a good question. I would think maybe somewhere in my basement. I won’t tell you exactly where just in case.

The person walking in front of you drops $20 on the ground and doesn’t notice. What do you do?

I would stop the and say “excuse me, you dropped this.” $20 can be a lot of money for some people, and I would never allow someone to lose it if I can prevent it.

In elementary school, I read a book called, Lost in the Barrens. What is a book you read in school and what do you remember about it?

For some reason the first one that came to my mind was Maniac Magee. It was about an orphan boy, there was a lot of running involved, discussions of racism. I remember liking it but not much about it (I would have been around 12 if not younger), I should re read it.

In Eminem’s song, “Lose Yourself”, he says: “There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.” Describe, in detail, your ideal pasta meal.

I’m counting lasagna as a pasta so: a good southern Italian style meat lasagna, fresh noodles, layers of sauce and ground meat and mozzarella, tender enough to cut with your fork.

If you and a partner went on The Amazing Race, would you be the driver, or the navigator in the backseat with a map? Explain your choice.

Definitely the navigator in the backseat with the map, because I am unable to drive. For that reason alone I don’t know if I’d be the ideal Amazing Race contestant.

In Home Alone 2, Kevin (a 10-year-old boy) ended up in New York by himself, while his entire family was in Florida. What is something you did when you were 10-years-old, that “kids these days” wouldn’t understand?

I used to go on this website that was just pages of lyrics to various famous songs, and then sometimes would have the audio to the songs as well, and I’d play the songs (sometimes even with just the instrumental) and sing along to the lyrics. Sometimes I would make up dances (and not film them).

Is Tic-Tac-Toe a fair game?

No because the first person always has an advantage.

Velma, from the Scooby-Doo series, is known for losing her glasses. If you were a character in a TV show, what would you be known for?

I feel like I should be asking a friend that question lol. I’m cold a lot so maybe for being wrapped in blankets and sweaters all the time.

What causes you to lose your temper?

People trying to control me or speak over me or doing something I’ve specifically asked them not to do.

How many contacts in your phone have you not communicated with in the last three years?

I genuinely went to go check because I knew it would be a higher number than I wish it was but: 32.

THE BONUS QUESTIONS

Think about items you might find in a Lost & Found. Now, draw as many of those items as you can in 60 seconds. Share your picture.

No description available.

Text someone, “I can’t find my phone.” What is their reply?

“So how are you texting me?” I can’t fool anyone these days.

You are alone in a city you’ve never been to, and have $500 to spend. What city are you in? What places do you go to? What do you spend your money on?

I’m in Rome. I visit the Colosseum. I visit the crypts and Roman catacombs. I visit the Sistine Chapel and the famous fountains. I get a light lunch between attractions and a fancy dinner later on. That should eat up most of my money.

Doing a Quiz

So my friend Paul has set a bit of a quiz challenge. I was originally going to respond to this in his comments, but my competitiveness got the better of me, and I realized I couldn’t get all the points while answering in my comments. So I will be posting my answers here. I’m being reminded of my high school years, when I used to fill out quizzes and questionnaires constantly on Facebook notes. Those were the days.

THE FIRST 10

In the movie, Space Jam, Daffy Duck sneaks into Michael Jordan’s house to pick up his lucky basketball shorts. What animated character would you trust with your personal belongings and why?
I think Belle from Beauty and the Beast would be decently trustworthy. She’s certainly clever and I have faith she wouldn’t steal my things or even snoop.

What is the chorus of your favourite song?
I don’t think I have a singular favourite song, but here are lyrics from “I know the End” by Phoebe Bridgers, which I have been really into lately:

But you had to go
I know, I know, I know
Like a wave that crashed and melted on the shore
Not even the burnouts are out here anymore
And you had to go
I know, I know, I know

Complete the sentence: I wish I could ________.
Travel

The singer, Meat Loaf, said he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that. In general, what are three things you won’t do?
I won’t eat wet tuna, which I find deeply appalling as a food, I won’t smoke or do any kind of drug (no judgement if you do, but it’s not for me), and I won’t, at this current time in my life, drive (the idea of being in control of a car makes me nervous, maybe that will change)

What is the worst thing about pockets?
Only a man would ask this question

Should I be concerned about your most recent Google search?
Probably.

If there was an eighth day of the week, what would it be called, and where would you place it amongst the other seven?
It would be between Saturday and Sunday to extend the weekend, it would be called Starday. Everyone would be annoyed that it sounded so close to Saturday.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see behind you?
Why would you curse me like this? Now I’m going to worry I’m haunted for the rest of the day.

You can have dinner with any three people in the world, but you must dine at a fast-food restaurant. Who are you bringing and what does each person (including yourself) order off the menu?
Predictably, I would order chicken fingers and fries. I would invite Queen Elizabeth because I want royal gossip, and also because it would amuse me to see her eat fast food fish and chips, which would obviously be her order. I would also invite Zendaya, because I love her. She is a vegetarian and would probably order fries and a veggie burger. Finally, I would invite Chrissy Teigen, because she seems like a good time and I feel like I could get some great celebrity gossip from her. She would obviously order a burger.

Think of a word (in English) and create a new, alternate spelling for it. What is the new word you have created?

Sykick.

BONUS QUESTIONS

On a sheet of paper, draw your happy place. Do not include words or numbers. You have 60 seconds to do this. Share the picture in your blog post.

Hope you are ready for my artistic genius:

No description available.

Text someone, “Knock Knock”. What is their reply?

The reply is simply “what” because I guess everyone assumes I’m doing something weird at all times

In your place of residence, pick up a book and turn to Page 50. What is the third sentence on that page and how does it relate to your life?

From the novel “Red White and Royal Blue” comes this sentence from page 50: Henry sighs. “Is that the time you threatened to push me in the Thames?” While I have never threatened to do this to anyone specifically–mostly because I have only been to London twice–I do think it’s possible that someone could annoy me enough that I would, indeed, threaten to push them in the Thames. I promise I wouldn’t do it though.

I don’t know what this is

I struggled a bit in writing this. Is it too personal? Is it too depressing? Does anyone even care? Does everyone feel this way and I’m over reacting? Are these just first world problems and I sound whiny and spoiled? But in the end I needed to get it out, so here I am.

We have gone into another lockdown, meaning only leaving the house for essential purposes. This honestly doesn’t change how I’m living my life much. I was working from home, I wasn’t exactly meeting up with friends or going to the gym or doing much of anything. So why does it feel like it does?

I think because by this point I wanted to have it more together. Well I wanted it all to be over, but by fall last year I knew that was a pipe dream. But I wanted to have it more together. I wanted to have a more solid routine and I wanted to be more productive. I wanted to stop feeling sad.

This isn’t me saying I’m sad all the time, I’m not. I have friends and family that make me happy and make me laugh. I have interests and I have music and entertainment. I live in a warm house and I don’t have to worry about rent. But I feel, for lack of a better word, like I’m failing.

I haven’t picked up any new skill. I thought I would find something I wanted to dedicate myself to learning, but the truth is almost everything I wanted to do is something that isn’t possible right now. I desperately miss dance classes and acro classes and the ability to pick up any active things I wanted to do. I don’t have the space to do the kind of dance or exercise I would like to do, and have only certain pockets of time to do what I DO have space to do, and then I get disappointed in myself the times that I don’t take the chance to do it. I know I am privileged to be able to take classes or do any of these things in the first place, but that doesn’t mean I miss it any less.

But it’s not just that. It’s not just me being sad that I can’t go to a concert or travel or take a dance class or do a lot of the things I like to do. I just feel like everything has been at a standstill. Yes, it’s comforting in a way that it’s been that way for most people, but the truth is before COVID I felt like I was at a bit of a crossroads. By the end of 2019 and beginning of 2020, I was struggling with the fact that I felt that even though I enjoyed the jobs I was doing, there was no space for growth. It was a long time coming, but after being very sick at the end of 2019, it finally felt like the time to actually do something about it. I considered a few options. I considered going back to school to get another Masters degree or to get a PhD, but while I love learning, I didn’t have anything I was feeling passionate enough about to commit to doing. None of the programs spoke to me. So I started job searching, which as anyone who has done so knows, is a frustrating process. But I applied and applied and applied. I was even considering applying for jobs outside the city, even outside the country. This is a big deal for me, someone who has never moved to another city for work or school, never even studied abroad like my brother did. Even taking a summer job in NYC or LA or wherever would be a big deal, and I was looking into it. It would be an opportunity for something new.

And then COVID hit.

Like many, I felt completely rocked off centre. What would this mean for me and my future plans? What would I do? How long would this last? I think the last question was the hardest to deal with. How do you make future plans, especially as an anxious person like myself, when you don’t even know when those plans COULD start? As time went on, I just felt more lost, more off centre, more unsure, more like I was running out of time for something. Even as I talked to friends, or as I got a work-from-home job, or as vaccines started arriving in Canada.

Last night, I sent something I wrote for work to a friend, and she said she sent it to her friends, and I burst into tears. And it was then I decided I needed to write this down somewhere. This isn’t all of it, it’s not everything. I don’t know if I’ll share everything. But my name is Sabrina, and sometimes I feel like I’m failing both at something I never expected to happen and at something I did. I know that if someone else said the same thing to me, I would tell them they were doing just fine. But it’s a lot harder to convince yourself.

I can’t wait for the day I can safely travel or go to a concert or go to a dance class. But even when I can do all those things, where do I go from there? And how do I figure that out right now?

Even writing all this out, I feel like I’m just throwing a temper tantrum like I did when I was three. I feel like I’m just in my own way and can’t figure out how to get out of it. I feel like there’s something obvious I am missing that I should be doing but don’t know what that could be. Maybe it will hit me the minute I press “publish,” maybe things will get clearer now that I’ve said out loud (kind of) what I’m feeling.

And maybe not.

It’s christmas time, again

I’ve not been feeling particularly festive this year.

I don’t think that’s very surprising considering everything that’s been going on this year. I haven’t been able to go to the Toronto Christmas Market. I haven’t had any dinner parties with friends. I haven’t been taking or teaching classes where we choreograph dances to festive music. We haven’t put up a tree this year. I won’t be able to have Christmas with my whole family like we always do.

I know all of these are things that I am privileged to have and to be able to do, I know this. But knowing this doesn’t mean I suddenly feel festive or Christmassy anyway. Knowing this doesn’t make me miss these things any less.

Today I settled down in a polar bear onesie and watched Dance Dreams: The Hot Chocolate Nutcracker on Netflix. It didn’t make me feel more like it’s Christmas, but it did make me smile, and it made me miss dance classes fiercely. It made me wish I could go to LA and watch this version of the Nutcracker in person.

Feeling festive or feeling like it’s Christmas isn’t some magical emotion that just pops up in December. Maybe it’s just the feeling of joy that comes with seeing family or doing fun things with friends, maybe it’s the beauty of Christmas lights when I can walk past them, maybe it’s the feeling of togetherness and connection I feel when everyone is dancing to the same Christmas song together. I just have to deal with the fact that that feeling isn’t going to be the same this year, it’s impossible for it to feel the same. So what else can I do but have some chocolate with the family members I live with, and watch my ballets and Christmas specials, and dance to some Christmas songs in my room, and capture some snippets of that feeling, some snapshots of those holiday emotions, and as many moments of festivity as I can.

Here are a few of my favourite Christmas songs, ranging from dark to quirky to worldwide classics. I hope you like at least one, one you can listen to alone in your room, or while cuddling with your cat, or dancing around with whatever family you can see this year. Happy Holidays.